Are you Listening?

July 19, 2009 by David.

Given the fact that I’ve not updated this blog in a long while, the title here is somewhat ironic, no? Nevertheless, here it is, my next musing - my next waxy prose - my next pondering…

I’ve had time to regroup and consider where my life has been the last year - the last month - even the last week. It’s amazing how those three time periods tell three different stories.

The last year was a telling time for me and Shea. We entered a time where we seemed to regress spiritually. We encountered many doubts, our faith was hammered and many things we (read:me) expected to happen - some pretty GRAND plans - fell apart from the word go. And yet, we remained stable. We remained committed and if anything, we grew closer.

However, during this time, I quit believing in prayer. I began doubting whether God was listening and whether He cared to hear from me. As time passed, so did the distance between myself and my God. Not surprisingly, I started getting depressed and angry. Mostly at myself - and yet, I didn’t change a thing. Nothing.

The last month, however, has been a pretty telling time too. Instead of just accepting my new “philosophy” as is, I started questioning the darkness I had been in for the past year. How it had impacted me. Changed me. And whether these were changes I wanted to be permanent. The more I questioned, the more questions I came up with. Great, eh? And yet, even in this time, I neglected prayer. I figured that this was something that I needed to figure out on my own. This was something that was MY responsibility. If it was going to be MY faith, then I was going to be the one to work it out. The problem with that? I’m just simply not capable.

It’s not that I can’t figure out what I believe about things - I certainly can. I can argue pretty well. And it’s not that I can’t filter through truths and lies. It’s that I can’t manufacture a deep faith. That belief that pierces the soul. That underlying understanding that creates stability, humility and reverence. I can’t produce that. And the last month was a realization of that.

The last week, though, has been the most telling of times. I’m not sure at what point the decision happened, but I decided to pray. I knew that since I hadn’t done it in a while (legitimately prayed, not the incantation-type stuff we tend to do in church) that I had to be very careful about what I said. I didn’t want to offend God by treating Him like a magic genie - something I have hammered on others for in the past. That said, as I joined hands with a faithful wife, we prayed for something simple. Something that I believed would be something God would want. We prayed for truth. And in that past week that prayer was answered - in spades.

It’s funny - the truth I was praying for was not for me. It was for someone special who needed that truth. But, as usual, God provided far more than I could have expected. He hit me with this truth: David, you’ve not believed in Me enough. You’ve not trusted Me. He hit me with another: Prayer is not about getting what you want. It’s about wanting what I want for you and being willing to talk with Me about it. He hit me with yet another: Even though you’ve not been talking to me David, I’ve been listening and I still love you. And still one more truth: You can pray. Don’t worry about how it’s perceived or whether it’s coming off as “religion” or not. I can filter through all of it to the heart of what you really want to say. I’m God like that.

Final truth: David, you look better bald. Thanks God, I kinda knew that one.

Is He listening? Oh yes. The question is never whether or not He’s listening. Are you?

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