Does What I Want Matter?

May 29, 2008 by David.

This may end up being the most selfish post I ever write, but when I started writing, I was determined to be honest no matter what. Even if it meant sharing the darker sides of my humanity. It’s hard to admit that you don’t have your act together - that you struggle - that you question and doubt. People don’t like to hear that because it shakes them and makes them question not only you, but themselves. Oh well.

Going to Momentum (a new, more progressive and community minded church) has been bitter sweet. On the one hand, the church services have been great and I truly feel like Pastor Bart Stone has his act together. He’s got a great vision and he’s acting on it and above all else, he seems passionate about not just doing church. He truly wants to be in the community. He’s unimpressed by church people and their agendas and more pressed to reach people who have real needs. He really speaks to where I’m at in my faith. The rest of the staff are also extremely impressive from what I’ve seen. I definitely believe Momentum has all the right pieces in place and is poised to explode in growth. It’s truly an exciting place to be right now.

On the other hand, though, it’s hard to start over. Don’t get me wrong - the decision to leave our last church was definitely the right one. I was feeling pulled away and the stress of my position as Elder was taking it’s toll on me. But, I was “someone” there. People knew me and counted on me. I was a valued member of the Praise team and was involved in key decisions for the church. I felt empowered.

Yes - the fact that the word “I” shows up about 14 million times in the previous paragraph is not lost on me.

It doesn’t change the fact that starting over is hard, especially when you’re getting to the point in your life where everything else isn’t starting over. Right now at Momentum, I’m a nobody. I believe, with time, I’ll be able to find a niche and contribute to the vision Bart has set and I look forward to that. But, as of this moment, it’s hard. I miss that feeling of empowerment - and maybe that’s the reason I needed to leave it the most.

I auditioned this week to play on Momentum’s praise team. Bass guitar was easy enough - Joe felt I was ready to go. But hearing that I didn’t cut it on guitar and drums - when I played both instruments at KCC fairly well - was hard to take. It was an honest assessment from Joe, which I appreciate, but it doesn’t take the sting away. I believe - again, in time - that I’ll be able to improve my play on drums (and maybe guitar) to the point of acceptability and maybe even exceptionally. But, as before, it’s starting over.

The familiarity of the past is now usurped by the uncertainty of the future and for the first time in a while, I’m uncomfortable.  Frankly, it kinda freaks me out.

I know I needed this change and that my family needed this change. But the struggle between my needs and my wants is really kicking in right about now…

Posted in General | No Comments »