Warfare

February 25, 2008 by David.

It’s begun, and I was caught with my pants around my ankles. I know, I know - disturbing mental imagery, but accurate none-the-less.

The first battle started and I wasn’t ready. Heck, I didn’t even know there was a battle. I had checked out months before the first shot was fired. When I should have been in boot camp, I was eating Kroger Low-Fat Caramel Ice Cream while watching “The Biggest Loser” on the living room couch.

What am I talking about? The spiritual war I’m now entrenched in. The one that’s been building for a long time and that I have participated in as recently as a few months ago. I imagine I’m a bit like a foot soldier who left his gun behind and entered the battlefield with no weapon, no ammunition and no clue. You’d think I’d have at least remembered the rations…

I just lost a battle, too. And the sad part is, the loss ended up causing wounds to a fellow soldier who wasn’t even in the line of fire. In a moment of pure rage, I turned myself over to the worst qualities about myself. One simple phrase set me off and what should have been a firecracker turned into a veritable atomic bomb. The sad thing is, I didn’t lose the battle at that moment - I lost it months before the battle began.

When I came back from Holland, I had a refreshed fire I hadn’t had in a long time. Suddenly, I felt God’s movement in my life again and I felt like I had purpose and direction. I felt spiritually renewed and I was humble. Unfortunately, it didn’t last very long. I’m not sure when it turned, or why it did, but my spiritual renewal became prostituted with spiritual pride. I began to take positions of leadership as a position of entitlement, instead of one to be humbled by. I turned into a judgmental man again - the one I loathe the most - and I didn’t even realize it. It was this turn that caused me to turn my focus.

My return from Holland was unique because I came back with no desire for the material things I had been caught up in. I was starving for spiritual nourishment. I devoured several books and longed for more. But, as I began checking-out of the battle, I started longing for things to satisfy the void. Instead of reading those books, I began playing video games. I bought 5 in one month - as if they were somehow going to ease my conscience. I bought a PS3 with games and movies. I bought the accessories. I began hungering for more money and more career movement. I began hungering the things that I, as a man, wanted. Sadly, the more I fed those desires, the more I craved. It was a sick and twisted spiral downward. I craved my relationship with God less, and material possessions and career movement more and more.

My soul, as you would expect, became unsettled. Restless. I’ve been having sleeping problems. I would buy more - whether it’s ice cream, or video games, or movies, or gadgets - nothing settled the trembling I could sense in my life. I began wondering if I needed to make a serious career change, even though the company I’m with has afforded me great flexibility, trust and opportunities I may not have elsewhere. I was spinning out of control. I was pursuing everything around me wildly - money, career, gadgets, games, movies, food - without seeing what it was doing to me. More and more I pursued and more and more I suffered.

Then the battle came. And I was not prepared. I was bare-naked on a battlefield filled with enemies ready to take my head off. While they bore weapons of battle, I bore a naked bosom. A fat, Kroger lower-fat (but still fattening) ice cream devouring, chocolate craving bald-headed bosom at that. Sad.

Now I’m facing a difficult night. I must go to the wounded soldier and see if I can tend to those wounds. Call it friendly fire or whatever you will, but I took someone who trusted me and I shot him. When he wasn’t looking. It’s crazy - I came into the battle unprepared and yet, the only weapon I was able to wield was against my own friend. Words can’t say what I feel about myself right now. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve done it either. I have a way of doing this. I’m grateful I have friends who have seen through my idiocy to forgive me and continue to love me. I’m grateful I have a wife who ignores how stupid I can be and kids that only see their hero when they look up.

Now I sit here broken, having returned to my God to ask him to restore me yet again. And yet again He will. It’s a wonderful reminder of the fact that we get so much more from Him than we ever deserve. May I honor Him in the next battle, by being prepared and ready to face whatever may come my way.

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