The Ultimate Vending Machine

August 10, 2007 by David.

You know, I love vending machines. I absolutely adore those metallic, coin guzzling, electronic distributors of various chips, crackers, candies, chocolates and confections. Who doesn’t love them? Seriously. If you get a rumbly in your tumbly, and you’ve got some spare change (or, even 1 dollar bills) lying around, you are sure to find something to fill your appetite. It makes me hanker for a Jumbo Honey Bun just thinking about the convenience alone. Really, my hankering for Jumbo Honey Buns stands with or without a reason. It defies reason, really.

Thinking about vending machines made me realize that its success is built around a few simple concepts. The first is low cost. Generally, most things in a vending machine are $1 or less. It’s easy to justify because the cost to you is so small. Secondly, it’s ultra convenient. You only have to deposit your money and you’re instantly rewarded. Finally, a vending machine offers variety. In the mood for salty? Well, you’ve got a selection of 8 different types of chips. Want crackers? Got 10 of those. Need chocolate? 12 of those. Desperately need gum for that salty, chocolately bad breath? Got you covered there too.

Going further, thinking about these concepts, it made me realize that religion is the ultimate vending machine. It really is. Think about the reasons above and it will startle you. First, the cost is low. Generally, religion - even though it may demand moral standards and financial giving - is far easier than involving yourself in relationships. Religion doesn’t take much of your time because it is rules and regulations. Once you learn them, you’re set. You also get to deposit a few coins to absolve yourself of all guilt and responsibility. Whoooo-daddyyy, is that a great trade-off!

Second, it’s very convenient. Religion appeals to the simplest mindsets inside us. No need to consider the person behind your judgements, after all, your religion makes you right and that’s all that counts. No need to think about the ramifications of following your moral code, even if it tramples on others. If you need a reason to hate gay people, just search your special book for a line that defends your standpoint. This is especially convenient if your book is extra big and wordy. People hate to argue when you’ve read an 800 page tome that they haven’t.

Finally, religion is all about the variety. Seriously. Want multiple wives? Go Mormon. Wanna strap a stick of dynamite to your kid to kill the infidels? Follow Islam. Wanna make fun of the Mormons, Muslims, Catholics, Jews, Atheists, Buddhists and the 14 gazillion other religions? Become a Southern Baptist.

There really is a religion for every taste. Whether you’re big on peace or big on war, there’s a religion for you. If you’re looking for a religion to justify your various poor life choices, you’ll have no problem finding one. If you can’t find one, then invent one. That’s the great thing about religions - you can readily create the one of your dreams and few people will have the right to question it. After all, most everyone else has their own religion whether they will admit to it or not.

Religion - the ultimate vending machine.

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