It’s the little things that kill ya

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

When I came across this saying, I nearly cried. NEARLY - I’m not that girly. Anywho…it’s quotes like these that drive me. It’s simple, easy to understand and conveys a truth so profound that you can’t ignore it. It’s not dressed in elegance or fancy prose. Nor is it disguised in sarcasm, wit or irony. It is honest. It is straightforward. And, most of all, it is piercing.

But David, isn’t writing about forgiveness the biggest Christian cliche, like, ever? Probably, but most people write about forgiving others. I still struggle with that, but I’ve gotten better. My bigger problem, though, is with forgiving myself (cue dramatic orchestral sweep).

Ahhhhh - nothing starts the morning better than coffee with cream and a little inner turmoil, eh?

To be honest, I think I’d sooner forgive a murderer than I would myself. Not sure why, either. I often get the inclination that I’d like to go back in time and give my old-self a good old-fashioned butt whuppin’ for some of the things I’ve done or things I’ve said. I get that inclination daily. Hourly, even. In fact, writing about this inclination makes me think back and has sparked that inclination yet again. WOW - I’ve just run in a full mental circle without breaking a sweat. Beat that, Einstein.

Moving on…It’s not that I don’t think I’m forgiven. I get that. It’s not that I haven’t learned from some of my past mistakes (size 12 shoes on size 8 feet anybody?). To be honest, I’m not sure where it comes from. An overblown sense of justice? A lack of self-respect? A twisted desire to punish myself? Lack of faith? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like this all the time. It’s usually pretty infrequent, although I have noticed it tends to accompany copious amounts of hard liquor like white on rice…

Sometimes the little things bother me, such as sarcastic comments I meant in humor that came off poorly. Sometimes it’s the biggies, like a former friend who is now missing some teeth because of me. The most painful ones involve my kids. I’ve sworn to protect them and yet, I’m often the first to hurt them (not physically, mind you, so don’t go calling DFACS). Even more bitter are the things I do that I hated when they were done to me. Ouch.

Am I alone in this? Does anyone else struggle with self-forgiveness? Or do I need to check myself into the nearest funny-farm for some deep, introspective therapy?

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