Are you Listening?

July 19, 2009 by David.

Given the fact that I’ve not updated this blog in a long while, the title here is somewhat ironic, no? Nevertheless, here it is, my next musing - my next waxy prose - my next pondering…

I’ve had time to regroup and consider where my life has been the last year - the last month - even the last week. It’s amazing how those three time periods tell three different stories.

The last year was a telling time for me and Shea. We entered a time where we seemed to regress spiritually. We encountered many doubts, our faith was hammered and many things we (read:me) expected to happen - some pretty GRAND plans - fell apart from the word go. And yet, we remained stable. We remained committed and if anything, we grew closer.

However, during this time, I quit believing in prayer. I began doubting whether God was listening and whether He cared to hear from me. As time passed, so did the distance between myself and my God. Not surprisingly, I started getting depressed and angry. Mostly at myself - and yet, I didn’t change a thing. Nothing.

The last month, however, has been a pretty telling time too. Instead of just accepting my new “philosophy” as is, I started questioning the darkness I had been in for the past year. How it had impacted me. Changed me. And whether these were changes I wanted to be permanent. The more I questioned, the more questions I came up with. Great, eh? And yet, even in this time, I neglected prayer. I figured that this was something that I needed to figure out on my own. This was something that was MY responsibility. If it was going to be MY faith, then I was going to be the one to work it out. The problem with that? I’m just simply not capable.

It’s not that I can’t figure out what I believe about things - I certainly can. I can argue pretty well. And it’s not that I can’t filter through truths and lies. It’s that I can’t manufacture a deep faith. That belief that pierces the soul. That underlying understanding that creates stability, humility and reverence. I can’t produce that. And the last month was a realization of that.

The last week, though, has been the most telling of times. I’m not sure at what point the decision happened, but I decided to pray. I knew that since I hadn’t done it in a while (legitimately prayed, not the incantation-type stuff we tend to do in church) that I had to be very careful about what I said. I didn’t want to offend God by treating Him like a magic genie - something I have hammered on others for in the past. That said, as I joined hands with a faithful wife, we prayed for something simple. Something that I believed would be something God would want. We prayed for truth. And in that past week that prayer was answered - in spades.

It’s funny - the truth I was praying for was not for me. It was for someone special who needed that truth. But, as usual, God provided far more than I could have expected. He hit me with this truth: David, you’ve not believed in Me enough. You’ve not trusted Me. He hit me with another: Prayer is not about getting what you want. It’s about wanting what I want for you and being willing to talk with Me about it. He hit me with yet another: Even though you’ve not been talking to me David, I’ve been listening and I still love you. And still one more truth: You can pray. Don’t worry about how it’s perceived or whether it’s coming off as “religion” or not. I can filter through all of it to the heart of what you really want to say. I’m God like that.

Final truth: David, you look better bald. Thanks God, I kinda knew that one.

Is He listening? Oh yes. The question is never whether or not He’s listening. Are you?

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Election Idiocy

November 4, 2008 by David.

I’m not the political bulldog I used to be. For one, it’s a tiring endeavor with very little payoff. Also, I’ve found that the party I used to defend doggedly has abandoned almost all of the principles that made me defend it in the first place. I’ve come to the haunting realization that both of our major political parties are ripe with corruption and greed with few exceptions.

So, in some respects, I understand the need some people have in participating in the political game. What I don’t understand is how so many of them can say what they say with good conscience. Some of the statements I’ve heard from people over the last few months have convinced me that this country is full of idiots and the political system we have is the one we deserve.

Let me be clear - I’m not an Obama lover. I don’t think he’s the best candidate the Democrats had to offer, nor do I think he’s the second coming of the Messiah. That doesn’t mean, however, that he is the anti-Christ - a charge I’ve heard from more than one person. Seriously? The ANTI-CHRIST? Sadly, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve heard quite a few things that bothers me to my core.

“Obama wants to kill babies.” Um, yeah. He’s one of those serial-baby-killers disguised as a loving father, husband and politician. If so-called Christians want to be taken seriously in their opposition to abortion, these lines have to stop. It shows an absolute disconnect with reality and an inability to argue with reason. I’m very much opposed to abortion, but don’t believe that it’s the government’s responsibility to enforce that stance. I guess I want to kill babies too.

“If Obama is elected, it will kill America.” That’s funny. One man is going to single-handedly destroy our country. This reminds me of the unfounded charges that Bill Clinton was going to rewrite the Constitution so that he could serve more than 2 terms. In fact, Republicans would be wise to think about where our country is RIGHT NOW, and consider that for nearly 8 years, it’s been presided over by a REPUBLICAN president and for many of those years, a REPUBLICAN congress. It was Bush who encouraged sub-prime lending - who has dumped endless billions into Iraq - and who has overseen the largest amount of growth in the size of our government EVER. If anyone has “killed America”, it was a REPUBLICAN.

“Obama is a socialist/marxist/communist/Muslim/…” I do believe that Obama believes in principles I disagree with, but I’ve not seen clear evidence that he wants the government to run and/or own every business in this country. And to be fair, the recent bailouts of failed banks was supported just as strongly by McCain and the Republicans as it was by Obama and the Democrats.

“Obama is going to invite terrorists into his Cabinet and into the White House” I love this one. It’s so stupid it doesn’t even warrant a response other than to say, REALLY?

Sadly, I’m sure there’s far more than this. Want to know what I believe? I believe Barack Obama is probably a decent man who got into politics for the same reasons as most of these guys do - he wanted to make a difference and feed his ego at the same time. I believe he loves his wife and children and I believe he wants to do well by this country. That doesn’t mean that I agree with how he wants to accomplish that, but I don’t think he’s the evil-doer that so many people are apt to paint him as. In fact, between McCain and Obama, I think I’d probably enjoy the company of the latter as opposed to the former. I believe anyone who is honest with themselves would admit the same.

The truth is, as more and more of these accusations begin to fly, I feel more apt to vote for the man just to spite the people who utter such idiotic statements.

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Corporate America Slave

September 16, 2008 by David.

I’ve always been a bit “different” from other people. When I first started my career, it was marked by plaid shirts with striped ties passing for “business attire.” It was topped off by “Top Ten Lists” emails and self-drawn funny pages about my boss and colleagues. I often pulled practical jokes on colleagues as well, once putting over 20 chairs in the office of a friend, or setting up a straw and “lines of coke (sugar)” on his desk. If anything, my time in the corporate system has been anything but normal.

But now, after 11 years, I find that I’m slowly devolving into a typical C.A. slave. I’ve got better corporate attire, though I don’t think I’d ever be considered a fashion magnate. I’ve not done a “Top Ten List” in a long time and I’ve not dared draw funny pages about my boss now.  The jokes are now limited to quips and sarcasm - gone are the days of fake coke lines and offices loaded with chairs. I’d like to pull these things off, but I often lack the drive or have the time. It’s funny, these are the things that used to make my day.

Some might say that these changes are good - a sign of maturation and improvement. And though I would concede that laying coke lines on the desk of a colleague hardly passes for “mature,” I’m not so certain that it is an improvement or a reflection of who I want to be.

Had you asked me 11 years ago if I’d be a typical Corporate America Slave, I’d have laughed at you. I was so certain that I’d be doing something else - whether running my own company, playing in a rock band or doing something artistic - the idea was completely laughable. Fast-forward 11 years, and you’ll find a 33 year old who is now responsible for feeding 4 other mouths and is more worried about job security (which is a joke) than he is maintaining a sense of personal identity. The idea of jumping off the train to start my own job is not only frightening, it’s maddeningly irresponsible and yet, there are times that is exactly what I want to do. I want to forfeit a great salary, benefits and high-reviews for instability, uncertainty and a sense of adventure.

I don’t want to live my life constrained by the rules and dictates of those who came before me. And yet, I find that I’ve put myself in a position where I don’t really have much of a choice.

So, how shall I battle this? What is to become? I’m ready to rediscover that “idiot” that made the corporate shills uncomfortable years ago. I’m not sure if that means dressing like a blind-man in a costume shop or pulling practical jokes on co-workers. Maybe a return to “Top Ten Lists” is in order, or maybe some fresh ink on paper portraying my co-workers “Dilbert-style” would be appropos. All I know is that I’m certain that I’m not cut-out to be a C.A. slave. It’s not in my blood. I’m a rock-star, an artist, a performer - not some mindless hack that is waiting for his age 65 pension and 3% raises.

Maybe a reboot IS in order. I don’t even know what that would look like or if I’m even able to take the risk. But as my brother-in-law pointed out to me this week, so many people work all their lives - their prime years! - just so they can enjoy a “retirement” at the end. I’ve seen what that looks like, and I’m certain that life is not for me. I’d rather retire now and work later.

I’m not sure how that works, but I’m increasingly determined to find out.

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Who I am

August 31, 2008 by David.

Well, here it is. The quintessential definition of who I am. It’s somewhat inevitable that a person who sets up a blog eventually tries to define himself in mere words. It’s somewhat crazy that you’d even try - life is way too big to sum up in the pointless utterances of a limited lexicon. But, I’ve never really been known for my restraint. If anything, I’m known for bloviating. So be it.

Politics

It’s funny - at one point in my life, I was a staunch conservative. I was a card-carrying (seriously) member of the Republican party. I was pro-life, pro-gun and pro-low-taxes. I was anti-gay, anti-liberal, anti-drug and even anti-drinking (that one’s too funny now). But, as life has progressed, so has my thought on politics. To sum all of it up, here’s my overriding philosophy on all of it:

It simply doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m not normally a defeatist, but I’m pretty well convinced that the Republicans and Democrats are little more than power-mongers covered in different garb. They promise one thing and deliver another. They both want to spend money - it’s just a matter of what they spend it on. They both promise to fix America, all the while they strip Her of Her beauty. They scream their rhetoric every 4 years (2 for legislators) in order to keep their cush jobs that would never exist in the free market. They make 6 figures with little accountability and they often don’t even show up to work.

Here’s what I’m convinced of - the more free we are, the better off. Freedom is hard work, which is exactly what this country needs. We need to take away the free meal tickets and tell people to create their own damned meals. Conversely, we need to stop trying to regulate morality, whether it is telling a woman not to have an abortion, or telling a person his money should pay for AIDS research in Africa. Arresting people for polluting their bodies (whether by pot, heroin, alcohol, caffeine, fat, what-have-you) is idiocy. Jailing two adults who agree on a financial transaction for sex is idiocy. We make these laws and rules not to better society, but to feel better about ourselves.

Laws should have one simple purpose - to protect us from one another. If another man wants to rob me, he is inflicting harm on me and impugning my right to pursue life, liberty and happiness. However, if a man wants to do cocaine until his nose falls off, it has no impact on me. Leave him to be stupid, high, drunk or dead. It makes no difference to me.

At the end of the day, we look towards politics to save us - but all it truly does is divide us. Not that I believe we should all agree - we never will. And not that I believe we’re all equal - we’re not. But if we truly care about finding solutions to problems, trusting our government to do it is waiting on a ship that will never sail.

Religion/Spirituality

This is may end up sounding bitter, but so be it. It’s going to be the honest and harsh truth, as best as I can express it.

I’m tired of Christians. Christians in America (myself included) are the most self-absorbed, hypocritical, judgmental and self-entitled group of people on the planet. We involve ourselves in politics and try to tell people what to do, all while our own house is falling apart. We struggle for power and to keep things “the way they have been” so that we’re comfortable with our circumstances. We put labels - endless miles of labels - on people so that we can decide who we will and will not love. We fight when we should comfort. We yell when we should be silent. We stay still when we should be acting.

Some of the most self-serving and corrupt people I’ve met have been Pastors. That’s not to say that Pastors should be perfect - no, far from it. BUT, I’m tired of hearing “we’re all sinners” as a justification for why we can’t be good human beings. I’m tired of hearing “we’re forgiven” as an excuse for not doing the right thing. I’m tired of hearing “we’re human” while these people preach about faith but fail to live it out. I often find myself so disillusioned with the position, that I question if there are any good ones out there.

For sure, I’m encouraged by what I see from the Pastors at Momentum. Bart is a sincere man who I believe is acting in faith. I hope he continue to buck the trends I’ve seen. His guys - Seth and Joe - are fantastic as well. In fact, if it weren’t for Momentum, I’m not sure that I’d be in church anymore.

However, there are some positive things I do see and believe. I do believe in Jesus as the Savior of mankind. I believe His message is still radical and piercing even today (maybe more so). I struggle with the relevance of the Old Testament, and at times, with parts of the New Testament. I believe these words have been twisted and contorted by men in positions of power in the Church to control the thoughts of the myrmidons. I believe that people who say the Bible is “perfect as is” and not open for interpretation are bordering on the cusp of becoming mind-controlling cultists - no better than the wacko at Waco or Tom Cruise and his ilk.

I believe all men have an innate sense of right and wrong. I believe some men choose to ignore it and I believe some men are truly evil. I also believe that we all have that capacity, but I don’t buy into the common Christian rhetoric that we’re all evil and that only Jesus is the good in us. If we were made in the image of God, then it doesn’t take God coming back into us to make us good. We’re already painted as a masterpiece - some of us just get littered with black paint along the way.

I believe that no one truly understands the mystery of salvation. I believe men claim to understand it so that they can sit in positions of power over others who don’t. I believe salvation is both complex and simple and is found on an individual basis. I believe the evidence of salvation is found in the man, not in his words or his memberships to the local institution.

I believe that love - in all its forms - should be unconditional, or it isn’t love it all. We shouldn’t pick and choose. Either we love or we do not.

Family and Friends

I love my family, but I also believe that most families are dysfunctional. In fact, I’m not so certain that there are “functional” families anymore.  We all have daddy issues and we’ve all been scarred. I’m fairly certain that I’ve scarred my children. I’m convinced my job as a parent is to do as little damage as possible between now and adulthood. I will, of course, try to do more - but maybe it’s those attempts that cause dysfunction in the first place. I’m sure I’ll figure it out one day - the day people quit listening to me. It’s the story of mankind, and I’m sure I’ll be no different.

In this generation, and in generations to come, family is now defined by the people we love and who love us - whether they are “blood” or not. The days of single families growing up together on the farm have been eradicated by a culture that seeks to divide. It’s not an intentional goal, but our consumerism creates debts that tears families apart. Our desire for more stuff (I’m the most guilty) causes us to spend more time at our jobs to pay for said-stuff. Once we’re in the cycle, we find it impossible to break it. It’s the curse of our generation.

I have a soft-heart, in that I get emotionally invested in people too easily. All it takes is for someone to share their story of hurt with me. Once they do, I tear open my shirt to reveal the big “S” and I go into action. I want to be Superman to the world, and especially to my friends. I’ve struggled with the concept of live and let live. I often want to fix things that don’t necessarily need fixing. Sometimes the best healing for a wound is for it to be put out into the open and given time to heal. I, however, don’t like seeing people hurt - especially emotional hurting. It tears and gnaws at me and I know it’s my weak point. A lesser person would easily be able to take advantage of this trait and exploit it.

Being a Man

This last bit is something I’m passionate about, in part because I see so little of it these days. I’m not sure that what I’m about to describe is everything I am - it’s probably not - but it is who I desire to be, and what I will continually strive for without apology.

A man should have a sense of humor. Life is way too serious and short to not laugh through it. Laughter is often the best medicine and can relieve some of the greatest pains. In fact - any man who masters the art of humor, especially self-deprecating (without being self-pity) - can find his way into the heart of most women. Sarcasm, in small and well-used doses, is an art. Overdone and it becomes a weapon.

A man should take care of himself physically. You have one body and of the 70 to 80 years you’ll have it, you’ll get about 30 to 40 before it becomes extremely high-maintenance. Destroying it through drugs or dangerous sex (that can mean MANY things) is foolishness. Obesity is the clearest sign that a man does not care for himself, nor does he truly care for those around him. However, obsession with fitness often leads to emotional abandonment of those around you. Spending hours upon hours in the gym to have a “perfect” body isn’t taking care of yourself - it’s vanity.

A man should keep his word and should know when his word is “no.” You can label this integrity. Any man who can’t find a way to do what he says should just stop talking.

A man should know how to kill but also be able to enjoy the arts. There are times that require real men to step up and kill for what is right. Whether that is to feed his family or defend his country, every man should have that instinct inside of him. Conversely, a man should also be able to celebrate the beauty of life either through the arts, music or any other creative avenue. This dichotomy is not innate and must be strived for. A man who simply lives to kill is a barbarian. A man who only knows the arts is a pansy. A man who can do both is rare and to be cherished.

A man should be honest, but not brutal. Some men take pride in being brutally honest, and for sure, there are times when that type of honesty is needed. However, a real man knows the difference between being honest for his sake and being honest for the sake of the one who is hearing it. Brutal honesty is often self-serving, setting one up for the inevitable “I told you so.” Manly honesty knows when the voice and the heart should be soft and the honesty given in a dosage that can be taken in. A man also knows when neither a lie, nor the truth are needed - in those moments, he finds silence is his only friend.

A man should be loyal, and defend that loyalty with his life. Once a man takes a friend into his circle - and a wise-man chooses his friends very, very carefully - he should be loyal to the friend as a brother, in fact, closer than a brother. When that friend calls him, he should leap to assist. Likewise, he should trust his friends to do the same for him. He should walk stride-in-stride with these friends because their paths are essentially the same. When his friend is in danger, he is in danger as well. His own life should be a willing price to pay for his friends.

Finally, a real man is comfortable in his skin. He feels no need to impress those around him or to be “better” than the next guy. He realizes that a man is not defined by his abilities, his money or his stature. He doesn’t need to boast - his life and his friends will boast for him. He doesn’t need constant affirmation - his confidence is internal and resolute. He doesn’t need “things” to uphold his manhood - for that is already settled.

Conclusion

I’m not sure why this came out today, or why it took this form. I’m glad, though, that it’s here and out in the open. I welcome anyone to read it and dismiss me if they will. It is who I am, and I’m no longer going to apologize for that.

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The Irony of Experience

June 19, 2008 by David.

Matt Ryan is the future “king” of the Atlanta Falcons. Having signed a $72 million dollar contract, the expectations are that this rookie will eventually lead this franchise to winning seasons - and hopefully - a few Super Bowl titles. Most analysts expect Ryan will be the starting quarterback at some point this season.

All of this, and he’s only 23 years old.

To put that into perspective, Brett Favre - the now retired future hall of fame QB of the Packers - is 39. That’s a healthy 16 years of experience. At age 39, Favre was already considered “old” in his sport. However, his wealth of knowledge and experience made him invaluable as a player. He may not have had the same swagger and legs that he did when he was 23, but his experience more than made up for that.

It’s a cruel irony, then, that experience is so heralded, but is rarely respected. The young don’t listen to the stories of their elders because they think those stories don’t apply. However, once the young begin to realize this - it’s too late - and they’re now the ones sharing the stories in the hopes that the generation behind them won’t have to make the same mistakes. This is life - the irony of experience.

If I knew back then… I’ve often wondered what my twenties would have been like if I knew then what I know now. Would I have stayed with one company for almost 10 years, or would I have taken the risks and started my own? Would I have even bothered with college, which thus far, has proven useless in my career? Would I have been more conservative with my money, rather than adjusting my lifestyle everytime I got a raise? Would I have been so arrogant, knowing now that I truly didn’t know as much as I thought I did? Would I have treated people better and sought to restore fractured relationships?

I see now why man has a fascination with time-travel. We all want to do it, if for no other reason than to go back and tell our younger selves to wisen-up. Truth is, I doubt I would have listened to my “future-self” anymore than I listened to those ahead of me. At 22, I was on the fast-track to corporate success and I was going to do it my way. Over 11 years later, and I find that I’m not particularly fond of that 22 year old. His brash ways and cocky-arrogance did more to chase away opportunities than to secure them.

My faith has even twisted and changed over this time. I’m less sure of things now than I was then. But that uncertainty - strangely - gives me MORE confidence in what I do believe. The things I was passionate about then I really could care less about. The beliefs I was convinced would never change have indeed, changed. The things I never thought I would buy into are now hallmarks of who I am. Experience.

The irony of all this is that I’m fairly certain that when I hit my 40s, I’ll look back on this time and wish that I had known more then.

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Does What I Want Matter?

May 29, 2008 by David.

This may end up being the most selfish post I ever write, but when I started writing, I was determined to be honest no matter what. Even if it meant sharing the darker sides of my humanity. It’s hard to admit that you don’t have your act together - that you struggle - that you question and doubt. People don’t like to hear that because it shakes them and makes them question not only you, but themselves. Oh well.

Going to Momentum (a new, more progressive and community minded church) has been bitter sweet. On the one hand, the church services have been great and I truly feel like Pastor Bart Stone has his act together. He’s got a great vision and he’s acting on it and above all else, he seems passionate about not just doing church. He truly wants to be in the community. He’s unimpressed by church people and their agendas and more pressed to reach people who have real needs. He really speaks to where I’m at in my faith. The rest of the staff are also extremely impressive from what I’ve seen. I definitely believe Momentum has all the right pieces in place and is poised to explode in growth. It’s truly an exciting place to be right now.

On the other hand, though, it’s hard to start over. Don’t get me wrong - the decision to leave our last church was definitely the right one. I was feeling pulled away and the stress of my position as Elder was taking it’s toll on me. But, I was “someone” there. People knew me and counted on me. I was a valued member of the Praise team and was involved in key decisions for the church. I felt empowered.

Yes - the fact that the word “I” shows up about 14 million times in the previous paragraph is not lost on me.

It doesn’t change the fact that starting over is hard, especially when you’re getting to the point in your life where everything else isn’t starting over. Right now at Momentum, I’m a nobody. I believe, with time, I’ll be able to find a niche and contribute to the vision Bart has set and I look forward to that. But, as of this moment, it’s hard. I miss that feeling of empowerment - and maybe that’s the reason I needed to leave it the most.

I auditioned this week to play on Momentum’s praise team. Bass guitar was easy enough - Joe felt I was ready to go. But hearing that I didn’t cut it on guitar and drums - when I played both instruments at KCC fairly well - was hard to take. It was an honest assessment from Joe, which I appreciate, but it doesn’t take the sting away. I believe - again, in time - that I’ll be able to improve my play on drums (and maybe guitar) to the point of acceptability and maybe even exceptionally. But, as before, it’s starting over.

The familiarity of the past is now usurped by the uncertainty of the future and for the first time in a while, I’m uncomfortable.  Frankly, it kinda freaks me out.

I know I needed this change and that my family needed this change. But the struggle between my needs and my wants is really kicking in right about now…

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Warfare

February 25, 2008 by David.

It’s begun, and I was caught with my pants around my ankles. I know, I know - disturbing mental imagery, but accurate none-the-less.

The first battle started and I wasn’t ready. Heck, I didn’t even know there was a battle. I had checked out months before the first shot was fired. When I should have been in boot camp, I was eating Kroger Low-Fat Caramel Ice Cream while watching “The Biggest Loser” on the living room couch.

What am I talking about? The spiritual war I’m now entrenched in. The one that’s been building for a long time and that I have participated in as recently as a few months ago. I imagine I’m a bit like a foot soldier who left his gun behind and entered the battlefield with no weapon, no ammunition and no clue. You’d think I’d have at least remembered the rations…

I just lost a battle, too. And the sad part is, the loss ended up causing wounds to a fellow soldier who wasn’t even in the line of fire. In a moment of pure rage, I turned myself over to the worst qualities about myself. One simple phrase set me off and what should have been a firecracker turned into a veritable atomic bomb. The sad thing is, I didn’t lose the battle at that moment - I lost it months before the battle began.

When I came back from Holland, I had a refreshed fire I hadn’t had in a long time. Suddenly, I felt God’s movement in my life again and I felt like I had purpose and direction. I felt spiritually renewed and I was humble. Unfortunately, it didn’t last very long. I’m not sure when it turned, or why it did, but my spiritual renewal became prostituted with spiritual pride. I began to take positions of leadership as a position of entitlement, instead of one to be humbled by. I turned into a judgmental man again - the one I loathe the most - and I didn’t even realize it. It was this turn that caused me to turn my focus.

My return from Holland was unique because I came back with no desire for the material things I had been caught up in. I was starving for spiritual nourishment. I devoured several books and longed for more. But, as I began checking-out of the battle, I started longing for things to satisfy the void. Instead of reading those books, I began playing video games. I bought 5 in one month - as if they were somehow going to ease my conscience. I bought a PS3 with games and movies. I bought the accessories. I began hungering for more money and more career movement. I began hungering the things that I, as a man, wanted. Sadly, the more I fed those desires, the more I craved. It was a sick and twisted spiral downward. I craved my relationship with God less, and material possessions and career movement more and more.

My soul, as you would expect, became unsettled. Restless. I’ve been having sleeping problems. I would buy more - whether it’s ice cream, or video games, or movies, or gadgets - nothing settled the trembling I could sense in my life. I began wondering if I needed to make a serious career change, even though the company I’m with has afforded me great flexibility, trust and opportunities I may not have elsewhere. I was spinning out of control. I was pursuing everything around me wildly - money, career, gadgets, games, movies, food - without seeing what it was doing to me. More and more I pursued and more and more I suffered.

Then the battle came. And I was not prepared. I was bare-naked on a battlefield filled with enemies ready to take my head off. While they bore weapons of battle, I bore a naked bosom. A fat, Kroger lower-fat (but still fattening) ice cream devouring, chocolate craving bald-headed bosom at that. Sad.

Now I’m facing a difficult night. I must go to the wounded soldier and see if I can tend to those wounds. Call it friendly fire or whatever you will, but I took someone who trusted me and I shot him. When he wasn’t looking. It’s crazy - I came into the battle unprepared and yet, the only weapon I was able to wield was against my own friend. Words can’t say what I feel about myself right now. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve done it either. I have a way of doing this. I’m grateful I have friends who have seen through my idiocy to forgive me and continue to love me. I’m grateful I have a wife who ignores how stupid I can be and kids that only see their hero when they look up.

Now I sit here broken, having returned to my God to ask him to restore me yet again. And yet again He will. It’s a wonderful reminder of the fact that we get so much more from Him than we ever deserve. May I honor Him in the next battle, by being prepared and ready to face whatever may come my way.

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Do Versus Don’t

December 14, 2007 by David.

Lessons learned are often un-learned. It’s in our nature to forget the things that go against what we’re comfortable with.

So it goes with Christianity. You’d think that we would learn our lessons - you know, remember the teachings of Christ. And yet, 2000 years later, it seems that the past 2000 years are loaded with stories of forgetting those lessons. Even the earliest Christians forgot the important lessons.

What am I blabbering about? Do versus don’t. We still argue over this, but Christ laid out what should drive our lives in the simplest of terms. The pharisees lived life believing that righteousness was about what you didn’t do. Don’t cuss, don’t drink, don’t smoke. That kind of stuff.

Jesus flipped that philosophy on it’s head. He insisted that righteousness had less to do with what you didn’t do and more to do with what you did. In fact, he took the “don’t do that” philosophy and trampled it. So, you say that righteousness means not having an affair? Well, if you so much as THINK about it, it is as if you’re having the affair. What Jesus did here was simple - he told all those who listened that simply upholding the law did not absolve your heart.

But here’s the beauty - Christ laid out a simple plan for righteousness and it was based not on avoidance of sin, but actions of love. “If you love me, feed my sheep.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It’s so simple, so powerful, yet so against our nature. For some reason, we want to believe that drawing closer to God happens through obeying a series of laws. The thought that in order to draw closer to God, we must draw closer to one another - LOVE one another - is frightening. It is easier to judge the poor than it is to clothe and feed them. It’s easier to mock the homeless man than to provide him warm clothing and shelter. It’s easier to discuss why people live in poverty than it is to visit them in it.

As Christians, Christ should be our standard at all times. Look at his life - he spent his time with the poor and the desolate. He fed the hungry and brought healing to the sick. He gave hope to the hopeless. He loved endlessly, without regard to “avoiding sin.” The great truth in this, though, is that by living a life of righteousness in action, he ended up showing us how it automatically leads us to “avoid sin.”

As with all things, though, making this a standard part of my life is a difficulty that makes me relate to the example set for the past 2000 years.

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Time for Reform: Issue 4 - Gay Marriage

October 23, 2007 by David.

Since I’m on a roll of finding hot-button topics, I might as well follow-up with one of the hottest. Gay Marriage.

Next to abortion, gay marriage is easily the dominant topic in the minds of politically minded Christians. This is evidenced by the amount of hub-bub that went around not too long ago about amending the US Constitution to define marriage as being between a man and a woman.

Here’s the problem with this issue: it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter whether Adam and Eve becomes Adam and Steve. The biggest argument from Christians has been that gay marriage will shake the foundations of what marriage should mean. That’s interesting, coming from a group of people who are just as likely as the rest of the populace to get a divorce or have an affair.

Plain and simple - this is another issue where Christians can sit in their ivory towers and demonstrate their complete hypocrisy. Why do we care about gay people getting married when we can’t stay married ourselves? Why do we care about gay people getting married when many of the marriages that do avoid divorce are devoid of love and commitment? Have we looked at our brother’s eye to find a splinter while there is still a plank in our own?

If the church wants to “defend” marriage, why don’t we start with ourselves? It’s outrageous that Christians demand marriage be protected, when they are the very principals in undermining it in the first place. Indeed, when the church would appear to defend wife-beaters before it would gay men, all credibility is lost and we are nothing more than babbling fools.

Here’s another problem with the issue: the message it sends is one of exclusion and judgment. And before anyone puts words in my mouth, let me clarify what I am not saying. I am not saying churches should be forced to perform gay marriage ceremonies. I am not saying that churches should promote gay marriages. What I am saying, however, is that people who understand grace should be the first to grant it. The truth is, God doesn’t need us to do the work of judgment. He has called us to the work of loving one another, including our enemies. His call to us was clear and distinct. He never asked us to protect the vows of marriage. He never asked us to affect the political machine. He never asked us to single out people for their sin. And yet, these are the things we focus on.

People - gay marriage is a non-issue. If it happens, so what? How will it impact your own marriage? My marriage of 10 years will not suddenly be hurt because two men have taken a vow to love one another. My role as father and husband is not weakened because two women share the same bed. However, my mission in Christ is tremendously hampered when I take my eyes off the mission. And this issue has done just that to many Christians.

So, no matter what you think about gay marriage, put it aside.

If only Christians were as “fired up” about seeing to it that they fed the hungry and clothed the poor…

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Time for Reform: Issue 3 - Homosexuality

October 22, 2007 by David.

I’ve hammered on this issue in the past, and it may seem like it’s important to me. That’s because it is. I know several homosexuals and I can say emphatically that the stereotypes painted of this group are grossly inaccurate of these men. And that bothers me, because the church - for years now - has used these stereotypes as cause for shunning and persecuting this group of people. Let me quickly dispense these stereotypes and explain why I believe this is a critical area in need of reform in the modern church.

First off, the idea that all homosexuals have poor relationships with their fathers is a stereotype that may be grossly misrepresented. Of all the gay men I know, only 1 of them had a poor relationship with his father. Ironically, the rest had better relationships with their fathers than I do with my own. I don’t have statistics to back up this assertion, but I would be willing to bet that the poor father/son relationship correlation is loose at best. I imagine that just as many (percentage-wise) straight men have poor relationships with their fathers as do gay men. The main purpose of this stereotype is to insist that people are not born gay, but rather, a poor relationship with their fathers caused them to be gay. I can’t even begin to address this thought without first laughing at it. If this correlation were true - and it’s definitely more correlation than causality - then I would be gay. And I’m not. Never have been. Never will be.

Secondly, the idea that pedophiles are typically gay has been painted into the church psyche. No on likes pedophiles, and rightfully so. But, painting an entire group of people with that title is disingenuous and spiritually criminal. In truth, most studies on pedophilia show that the vast majority of pedophiles are actually straight men. But, why dwell on the truth of the matter when the made-up explanation gives you a reason to exclude and discriminate so that you can feel comfortable on Sundays?

Finally, the idea that homosexuals want to “force their lifestyle” upon Christians (or anyone) is an image unfortunately painted by the vocal minority. The men I know simply want to be able to live their lives free of persecution or discrimination. Is that too much to ask? When you consider for one moment what it must be like to be gay - even in today’s more accepting society - you’d have to wonder what kind of crazy you’d be to WANT to be gay? Admittedly, some people have a victim mentality that may lend them to become a victim in this way, but again, that’s a broad generalization. The men I know only want to love and to be loved.

You may notice that one thing I’m not addressing here is the issue of whether or not homosexuality is a sin.  There is a distinct reason why - I’m not sure. I know I may be painted a heretic in some circles for saying this, but I’m not sure the Bible lends a case for it being a sin. There are only a few references to it. The earliest references occur in Leviticus, but if we look to that book for clarity on sin, we also see that we need to stone adulteress women and cut off the hands of thieves. The only clear New Testament statement on the issue is in Romans (btw, Jesus never spoke on the subject directly). And from what I’m currently reading, the scripture  reference (1:24-28) needs to be examined in light of the original greek, the context of the writing, and with great consideration of whom the letter was written to and for what purpose.

The one thing I want to be sure of is that I don’t take a firm stand on an issue that may not have firm footing. I believe Christ gave us clear guidance on what issues deserve our firm stand, and homosexuality is not one of them. He clearly instructs us to love one another. To feed the poor. To sacrifice of ourselves and to be servants to one another. And if anything, the one sin Christ pointed out more than any other - the one that angered him repeatedly at the Pharisees - was pride. If you look through the various teachings of Christ, one can quickly see that almost every story drew a comparison between prideful men (who were always the antagonist of the story) and humble men (the sure protagonists). And yet, churches have no problems with putting a rich man’s name on the side of a pew or erecting new buildings with the money of wealthy, prideful men. Where is our sense of balance and justice?

I believe the new church will take a different stand on homosexuality. The new church no longer needs to worry about specific sins, and whether or not something is a sin. The new church will look for brokenness and a spirit humbled before God, and in a renewing faith, trust that He will provide clarity for change - not us. If God would see fit that a man would turn from his sexual lifestyle, then surely He will do that work in their hearts. Surely we can trust in the same God that fed the five thousand to finish the good work he has started in us?

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